The last twenty-four hours have been so many things.
Scary, funny, endearing, exhilarating, nostalgic, cathartic, overwhelming and comforting.
Almost two years ago I lost my maternal grandmother, who played a huge role in my care and upbringing. She had recently left my nearby hometown to live with my uncle, and I only saw her twice in the last year or two of her life.
I did not deal with this well. It was February; I had finished classes in December and I was not being really productive or ambitious at the time: working two jobs, going out every night, living in the moment. I was snailing along toward existing goals and not making new ones, and the loss made me painfully aware of that.
Graduating from KU was a strange ritual. My boyfriend was drinking with bandmates and lost track of time. My mom was in the hospital, and my stepdad could barely walk. My estranged dad was flying home and my stepmom had to pick him up during the time of the ceremony. I walked down the hill and came out the other side alone, unsure what to do next. The whole thing made me feel old and sad, in that way that reminds you that you have to push on.
It was high time to do more with myself. I decided to move out of the Midwest, selective but realistically unspecific about my destination. I gave away my car. I gave up a beloved house I rented for five years and threw out truckloads of junk that, on eBay, would have probably paid my student loans. It was worth it.
I searched online job listings for the West coast and got in touch with people. I made progress. When I had some options and a loose plan, I was suddenly struck by the fear of being far from Kansas City should something happen to my grandmother or my parents.
While my parents are in relatively good health, my grandmother's was slowly failing at the time. I got a random call from a KC job recruiter and took it. I decided I did not want to give up the time I had left with my grandmother. I moved from Lawrence to KC, into a house that reminded me of her. I lost her very soon after, cruelly during the only time my job has taken me out of town. I had not yet gone to visit. That was in April, but seems like last month.
I did not deal with this well, either. I felt so lost in this city I associate with running around my grandma's house just off Westport and Broadway, with climbing around the balcony of the Power and Light building during my dad's overnight DJ shifts, with hanging out at my grandma's last home in Waldo before and after school at Sion, with countless family dinners in every cheap authentic restaurant in town. Though the commitment was worth it for just one day, I felt like my purpose had sabotaged me and left me here.
I have slowly gotten accustomed to and continued to love being in Kansas City. I have met some amazing people and rekindled old memories and acquaintances. This is truly my home, and it is now as poignant a feeling of home as any other I have had.
I relate all this because last night was another chapter in my internal drama of home and family. I had a serious scare with my stepdad, who is in the hospital. I spent hours calculating the emotional devastation of losing him. He and I have both lost many loved ones in our respective age groups, knowing it will continue. He just lost his father, I was coming to terms with my parents now being the third generation, and though the possibility of losing him was very real, it was a lot to deal with on a bitterly cold, icy night. I stayed for hours, just utterly unable to leave him there.
I sucked it up, did everything I possibly could for him, and left him in their hands for the night, hoping that the sun would come back and find something worth shining on. I was in a mild shock through my dinner down the street from the hospital.
I intended to dwell, but somehow processed it and wrapped it up for the night. Much better than usual. I was lucky enough to have to hurry to meet a friend and we were surprised by other friends DJing, playing silly songs that made it impossible to sit still. I unwound, got my mind on all things nerdy and musical and generally fascinating in the world, watched a birthday group create a dance floor and proceed to tear it up, had an absolutely wonderful time, and my favorite, successfully snatched the tab. We stayed until close and I went home so rejuvenated & wound up that I wasn't sure if I would sleep at all.
I did, though--like a rock-- moments later. I dreamed long and hard of skateboarding with friends in the sunshine and having no worries beyond falling down and getting back up.
