Happy New Year

Trust No One.

Oh messy life

The last twenty-four hours have been so many things.

Scary, funny, endearing, exhilarating, nostalgic, cathartic, overwhelming and comforting.

Almost two years ago I lost my maternal grandmother, who played a huge role in my care and upbringing.  She had recently left my nearby hometown to live with my uncle, and I only saw her twice in the last year or two of her life.

I did not deal with this well.  It was February; I had finished classes in December and I was not being really productive or ambitious at the time: working two jobs, going out every night, living in the moment.  I was snailing along toward existing goals and not making new ones, and the loss made me painfully aware of that.

Graduating from KU was a strange ritual.  My boyfriend was drinking with bandmates and lost track of time.  My mom was in the hospital, and my stepdad could barely walk.  My estranged dad was flying home and my stepmom had to pick him up during the time of the ceremony.  I walked down the hill and came out the other side alone, unsure what to do next.  The whole thing made me feel old and sad, in that way that reminds you that you have to push on.

It was high time to do more with myself.  I decided to move out of the Midwest, selective but realistically unspecific about my destination.  I gave away my car.  I gave up a beloved house I rented for five years and threw out truckloads of junk that, on eBay, would have probably paid my student loans.   It was worth it.

I searched online job listings for the West coast and got in touch with people.  I made progress.  When I had some options and a loose plan, I was suddenly struck by the fear of being far from Kansas City should something happen to my grandmother or my parents.

While my parents are in relatively good health, my grandmother's was slowly failing at the time.  I got a random call from a KC job recruiter and took it.   I decided I did not want to give up the time I had left with my grandmother.  I moved from Lawrence to KC, into a house that reminded me of her.  I lost her very soon after, cruelly during the only time my job has taken me out of town.  I had not yet gone to visit.  That was in April, but seems like last month.

I did not deal with this well, either.  I felt so lost in this city I associate with running around my grandma's house just off Westport and Broadway, with climbing around the balcony of the Power and Light building during my dad's overnight DJ shifts, with hanging out at my grandma's last home in Waldo before and after school at Sion, with countless family dinners in every cheap authentic restaurant in town.  Though the commitment was worth it for just one day, I felt like my purpose had sabotaged me and left me here.

I have slowly gotten accustomed to and continued to love being in Kansas City.  I have met some amazing people and rekindled old memories and acquaintances.  This is truly my home, and it is now as poignant a feeling of home as any other I have had.

I relate all this because last night was another chapter in my internal drama of home and family.  I had a serious scare with my stepdad, who is in the hospital.  I spent hours calculating the emotional devastation of losing him.  He and I have both lost many loved ones in our respective age groups, knowing it will continue.  He just lost his father, I was coming to terms with my parents now being the third generation, and though the possibility of losing him was very real, it was a lot to deal with on a bitterly cold, icy night.  I stayed for hours, just utterly unable to leave him there.

I sucked it up, did everything I possibly could for him, and left him in their hands for the night, hoping that the sun would come back and find something worth shining on.  I was in a mild shock through my dinner down the street from the hospital.

I intended to dwell, but somehow processed it and wrapped it up for the night.  Much better than usual.  I was lucky enough to have to hurry to meet a friend and we were surprised by other friends DJing, playing silly songs that made it impossible to sit still.  I unwound, got my mind on all things nerdy and musical and generally fascinating in the world, watched a birthday group create a dance floor and proceed to tear it up, had an absolutely wonderful time, and my favorite, successfully snatched the tab.  We stayed until close and I went home so rejuvenated & wound up that I wasn't sure if I would sleep at all.

I did, though--like a rock-- moments later.  I dreamed long and hard of skateboarding with friends in the sunshine and having no worries beyond falling down and getting back up.

Happy (but cold) in KC

Not so stoked about winter or having my giant windows removed and replaced in the cold weather, but definitely loving living in KC, especially in my cozy little neighborhood.

If only I could make it to the recycling center (or find a non-apartment-dwelling neighbor to let me piggyback), I could double the available sq. footage in my loft.  I still don't get it, we pay our utility bills all the same, why are apartments second-class?

Then again, in a large city where the animal shelter has one non-working mobile number to call, I am amazed that we even have our sub-par city services.

Kansas City

LaRocca Italian Grocery

I have been living in Kansas City for almost all of 2008; it is starting to add up.

I am finally getting used to being home when I hit downtown KC, but I will just never get used to the morning fog on the downtown skyline.

Marvelled at it this morning while I strolled around the City Market, waiting on a fresh pot of Market Blend.  Part of the beauty of it from the City Market and Columbus Park is being so damn low compared to downtown, making the building tops seem to scrape further up into the sky.

I do love this city, with all its faults and all its homicide.  I love the river and the bluffs.  I love the history that aggressively resurfaces every time something is built or torn down.  I love seeing the slow progress amidst a tumbling economy.  While haughty TIF projects worry and condo projects creak to a halt, artists are not deterred, but propelled even more, by the times.  Where there used to be nothing but ghosts, fiery little bits fill in the forgotten spaces amongst sleeping giants.

I am happy that KC is my home.  However, I still have to work on convincing my friends of both of these things.

Benazir Bhutto 1953 - 2007

Benazir Bhutto بینظیر بھٹو was assassinated today in Rawalpindi. She was the leader of the PPP and the first woman to lead a Muslim state. Recently returned from exile, she was campaigning for the upcoming election, scheduled for January 8, 2008. She recently survived an attack on her motorcade in October upon returning to Pakistan.

"Islam is our faith; democracy is our politics; socialism is our economy; all power to the people."

A few months ago, I wasn't at all sure where I would be, or what I'd be doing today. The cool air and fading summer colors have proven to be quite peaceful, despite the ever-present promise of unbearable cold Kansas days ahead, which gives every lovely breeze a menacing chill.

I am really looking forward to a change of scenery, though the micro scale always trumps the location in influence. I am still torn on cities, but developing a better idea of the little things I will need to be happy anywhere.

I am still in need of input from others if I am ever to decide on a city; otherwise I will be looking only through the job lens. This is too much of an opportunity not to get the full potential awesomeness from my location as well as my work.

High Fructose Corn Syrup (part 1)

excerpted from:

The Dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup
By John Mericle M.D.

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Before we get to high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), we will take a look at two other frequently used sweeteners, dextrose and maltodextrin.

Dextrose

Dextrose is more or less an industry term for glucose. Glucose is the most prevalent sugar in the human and the only molecule that the brain can metabolize. Dextrose is refined from corn starch. It has a very high glycemic index (no surprise since it is glucose) and while it contains no fructose, it is still a simple sugar that is very readily absorbed. It is not as dangerous as sucrose but it still is a highly processed product that should be avoided.

Maltodextrin

Maltodextrin is also a refined product usually made from either corn or potatoes. It is multiple glucose units somewhat loosely hooked together (a polymer). Because the bonds between the glucose units are very weak, it is also very readily absorbed and has a very high glycemic index. Like dextrose it should be avoided as much as possible. It has been called a "sugar substitute"but that is based on a rather strict definition of sugar as "sucrose." It is a very common additive and I have found it in many packaged foods, including potato chips.

High Fructose Corn Syrup

High fructose corn syrup is made by treating corn (which is usually genetically modified corn) with a variety of enzymes, some of which are also genetically modified, to first extract the sugar glucose and then convert some of it into fructose, since fructose tastes sweeter than glucose. The end result is a mixture of 55% fructose and 45% glucose, that is called "high fructose corn syrup." Improvements in production occurred in the 1980's making it cheaper than most other sweeteners. I remember in the 1980's when the price of Pepsi dropped from about $3 for a sixpack to about $1.50. In 1966 refined sugar such as sucrose was the was the leading sweetener / additive. In 2001 corn sweeteners accounted for 55% of the sweetener market. Consumption of high fructose corn syrup went from zero in 1966 to 62.6 pounds per person in 2001. A 12 ounce soda can contain as much as 13 teaspoons of sugar in the form of high fructose corn syrup.

Once again, the dangerous combination: fructose and glucose.

When high fructose corn syrup breaks down in the intestine, we once again find near equal amounts of glucose and fructose entering the bloodstream. As covered in recent newsletters, the fructose short-circuits the glycolytic pathway for glucose. This leads to all the problems associated with sucrose. In addition, HFCS seems to be generating a few of its own problems, epidemic obesity being one of them. Fructose does not stimulate insulin production and also fails to increase "leptin" production, a hormone produced by the body's fat cells. Both of these act to turn off the appetite and control body weight. Also, fructose does not suppress ghrelin, a hormone that works to increase hunger. This interesting work is being done by Peter Havel at UC Davis.

Some of the problems associated with high fructose corn syrup:

Increased LDL's (the bad lipoprotein) leading to increased risk of heart disease.

Altered Magnesium balance leading to increased osteoporosis.

Increased risk of Adult Onset Diabetes Mellitus.

Fructose has no enzymes or vitamins thus robbing the body of precious micro-nutrients.

Fructose interacts with birth control pills and can elevate insulin levels in women on the pill.

Accelerated aging.

Fructose inhibits copper metabolism leading to a deficiency of copper, which can cause increased bone fragility, anemia, ischemic heart disease and defective connective tissue formation among others.